We're Married. How Do We Handle Our Parents and In-Laws?
Leave and cleave. You're a new family now, with a new culture. Stay connected to your parents, but your spouse and your home come first.
Leave and cleave. You're a new family now, with a new culture. Stay connected to your parents, but your spouse and your home come first.
If you feel pulled between your spouse and your parents, that's one of the most common tensions in marriage. It doesn't mean you married the wrong person or that you don't love your family.
What the Bible says
"…a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24 ESV). He did not join your family, and you did not join his. You are a new family, with a new culture. If you don't like it, you can change it! That is not meant to diminish the hard work it may take to get healthy and make changes. But it is possible. You don't have to repeat the dysfunction you grew up in.
Because we leave and cleave, I am no longer responsible for my extended family, emotionally, spiritually or practically. Therefore, my involvement with their issues, struggles or pain is with eyes wide open and a decision I make with my spouse.
3 types of family dynamics:
Enmeshment (fusion). Groupthink. "We do this. We believe this." Decisions are made without each new family considering it.
Cutoff. The relationship is cut off, or strict, high boundaries are enforced.
Differentiation. Connected but not codependent. We are a unique family, and we have a healthy relationship with our extended family where boundaries are respected. No one is trying to manipulate, control or dominate the other families involved. This is the goal.
Why do families enmesh?
Immaturity. The parent doesn't want the child to grow up, or the child doesn't want to grow up and take on responsibility. Healthy parenting moves through stages: discipline (0–5), training (5–12), coaching (12–18) and friendship (18+). Enmeshment happens when someone gets stuck in an earlier stage.
Reverting roles. They want you to play the role you always played: the favorite, the caregiver, the peacekeeper, the funny one. Your spouse probably notices this more than anyone because they are new to the family dynamic.
Favoritism. Making the kids choose sides creates conflict between siblings.
Big events. Births, deaths and big moves bring pressure to enmesh. Some families only feel close when there is a crisis, so they are always creating one.
You might be thinking…
"Doesn't the Bible say to honor my parents?" Yes, always (Exodus 20:12). But "obey your parents" was written to children (Ephesians 6:1). As an adult, you honor them; you don't hand them the steering wheel of your marriage.
"My spouse won't talk about it." Nothing is off limits to talk about or bring up. Too many times, issues don't get brought up because your spouse is unwilling to have the conversation and deal with the drama.
Next step
My immediate family is my priority. If I need to create distance from my family of origin for the health of my immediate family, I must be willing to make that adjustment. Sit down with your spouse this week and agree on one boundary you'll keep together before the next holiday.
Related questions
Genesis 2:24; Exodus 20:12; Ephesians 6:1