How Do I Break the Unhealthy Patterns I Grew Up With?
How you grew up or how you're wired is never a valid reason not to be like Jesus. Those things may describe you, but they should never define you.
How you grew up or how you're wired is never a valid reason not to be like Jesus. Those things may describe you, but they should never define you.
If you've caught yourself saying the exact words your parent said, the ones you swore you'd never say, you're not alone. The good news is that your family history doesn't have to be your family's future.
What the Bible says
Your family has a culture. Culture is "what's normal here." What are the actions, words, conflict type, expectations and beliefs that make up your family of origin? What was normal to you may not be healthy for you. The older you get, the more you recognize what was good and what wasn't good about your family. Was your dad passive? Mom controlling? How was conflict handled? Was faith a part of your upbringing? What about discipline?
The culture you grew up in has affected and informed the culture you now have in your home. At some point, you have to own the culture you have in your immediate family, which you created. You can't change what you're unwilling to take responsibility for.
This is exactly what the gospel offers. "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come" (2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV). And Paul says to "put off your old self… and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds" (Ephesians 4:22–23 ESV).
How do you deal with conflict? Most of us learned one of these at home:
Fight: you escalate it, usually loudly and poorly. You try to control or conquer something.
Flight: you leave. The dad who emotionally checks out, works late or lives for his hobbies. The mom who medicates by overspending. The kid who locks the door.
Freeze: you get stuck.
Fix: "I will fix it. I will save us." A savior complex, when it's out of balance.
Three levels of health: personal (are you healthy?), relational (how is each relationship?), and the family system (is the whole family healthy?).
With all of that as the backdrop, how do you break free from the unhealthy patterns you grew up with? You repent your way into a new life. Repentance means you change the way you think, and that leads to a change in the way you live. Change happens with one new thought and one new action at a time. Renew your mind. Surround yourself with healthy people and depend on Jesus to transform you into a new person.
You might be thinking…
"That's just how I am." It may describe you. It doesn't have to define you. God is in the business of making people new.
"Am I dishonoring my parents by saying they got things wrong?" No. You can be grateful for what they got right and still choose differently. Every parent gets some things wrong, including me.
Next step
A good question to ask yourself about your family of origin and your current family is: what's normal here? Write down one pattern you want to keep and one you want to break. Share the second one with your spouse or a trusted friend, and ask them to help you notice it.
Related questions
2 Corinthians 5:17; Ephesians 4:22–24