Do I Have to Honor Parents Who Hurt Me?

Yes, but honoring them doesn't mean pretending it didn't happen, obeying them as an adult, or giving them unlimited access to your life.

If a parent hurt you, I'm so sorry. That's a wound that goes deep, and it's not small. And if what happened was abuse, please talk to a pastor, a counselor or the authorities. You don't have to carry this alone.

What the Bible says

"Honor your father and your mother that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you" (Exodus 20:12 ESV). Notice it doesn't say "honor your parents if they were good parents." Honor is about how you carry yourself toward them, not a reward they earned.

But honor isn't the same as obedience. "Children, obey your parents in the Lord" (Ephesians 6:1 ESV) was written to children living under their parents' care. When you become an adult, and especially when you marry, you "leave" (Genesis 2:24). And Jesus said that following Him comes before every family loyalty (Luke 14:26).

So what does honor look like?

• Speaking respectfully, even when you disagree, and not tearing them down to others.

• Forgiving them. Forgiveness cancels the debt. It doesn't erase the memory or instantly restore trust.

• Caring for them as they age, where it's wise and safe (1 Timothy 5:4).

• Setting boundaries when you need to. We draw wise people close, we love, forgive and set some boundaries with the foolish, and we establish hard, strong boundaries with people who are evil.

You might be thinking…

"Doesn't honoring them mean I have to let them back in?" To forgive does not mean to forget and immediately reestablish trust. Trust is broken in a moment and rebuilt slowly over time.

"They've never apologized." You can still forgive. Jesus forgave the people crucifying Him before they ever said sorry (Luke 23:34). Forgiveness frees you, whether or not they ever change.

Next step

Ask God to show you one way you can honor your parent this season, even if it's simply praying for them or choosing not to speak badly of them. If the hurt is deep, get help from a counselor or pastor as you work through it.

Related questions

• What Should I Do When I've Been Hurt?

• How Do I Break the Unhealthy Patterns I Grew Up With?

• We're Married. How Do We Handle Our Parents and In-Laws?