How Do I Set Healthy Boundaries With Family?
Start by asking whether the person is wise, foolish or evil. Draw the wise close, love and forgive the foolish with some boundaries, and put strong boundaries around the evil.
Start by asking whether the person is wise, foolish or evil. Draw the wise close, love and forgive the foolish with some boundaries, and put strong boundaries around the evil.
If family gatherings fill you with dread, or you feel guilty every time you say no to a parent or sibling, you're not a bad person. Family is one of the hardest places to love well, and God cares about how you're doing in it.
What the Bible says
God takes family seriously. "Honor your father and your mother" (Exodus 20:12 ESV) is one of the Ten Commandments. But He also says that when you marry, "a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24 ESV). Honoring your family and being controlled by your family are not the same thing.
Why boundaries are needed. You have expectations of others, and others have expectations of you that are either unhealthy or unrealistic. "You should always show up when I need you." "You should provide financially for me, even though I'm an adult." And a lot of the tension comes from uncommunicated expectations that have never been agreed upon.
Are they wise, foolish or evil? Most people are neither wise nor evil. Most people are simply foolish.
The wise: we draw wise people close to benefit from their wisdom. "Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise" (Proverbs 13:20 ESV).
The foolish: we do a mixture of both. We love, forgive and establish some boundaries to avoid pain and hurt.
The evil: we cut off evil people and establish hard, strong boundaries.
What's your tendency? Most of us lean one direction:
Compliant: a doormat. You let people in too far and too deep and let others take advantage of you.
Avoidant: your boundaries are too strict, so you cut off too quickly. You don't let people in, so you keep out the good as well.
Controller: you may be overstepping the boundaries of another. Do you use fear, guilt or dominance to get your way?
Nonresponsive: you won't take responsibility for yourself or others. You could help, but you shrug it off as not your job.
Don't allow the least healthy people in the family to set the tone and culture for your family.
You might be thinking…
"Aren't boundaries unloving? Jesus said to turn the other cheek." Jesus loved everyone, but He didn't let everyone control Him. He withdrew from crowds to pray (Luke 5:16), and He didn't entrust Himself to people just because they followed Him (John 2:24). A boundary isn't punishment. It's deciding what you will and won't take part in.
"If I set a boundary, they'll be mad." They might be. You're responsible to be kind and clear. You're not responsible for how they respond.
Next step
Think about the relationship that stresses you most. Ask: is this person wise, foolish or evil? Then pick one expectation you've never said out loud and talk about it, with your spouse first if you're married.
Related questions
Exodus 20:12; Genesis 2:24; Proverbs 13:20; Luke 5:16; John 2:24