How Do I Know If I'm Dating the Right Person?
Look at their character, not just your chemistry. Throw out the wish list, ask the hard questions, and when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
Who you marry is probably the biggest and most important decision you will make in your life, so it's worth getting this one right. Look at their character, not just your chemistry.
Look for green lights, and don't ignore the red flags
In Ruth 2, Boaz is getting to know Ruth. He sees her work ethic. He sees how she's treated her mother-in-law. He sees and hears about a lot of green lights and reasons to pursue her. As you get to know someone, ask yourself: What do I see that I'd love to have in a spouse? And what have they done that's a red flag?
You're dating who they are, not the potential they have. Everyone has potential. Are they doing anything with it? Their potential isn't a green light. Their character is.
When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. Apologies are great, but when you see his anger outbursts, pay attention. When you catch them in a lie, pay attention. When they only go to church or life group when you're there, pay attention!
The chemistry you feel can't compensate for the character they have.
You will not change them. Let me say it again: you will not change them, and it's not your job to fix them. If you don't like what you see, walk away. The best indicator of someone's future behavior is their previous behavior.
You might be thinking, "But nobody's perfect." True. I'm all for grace, forgiveness and allowing space for people to change. But if you find yourself making excuses for their behavior all the time, that's a red flag.
Throw out the wish list
A lot of people have a husband list or a wife list. Has to be 6'3". She has to be a redhead. She absolutely cannot be a redhead. Must be killer at Call of Duty. Has to play the guitar. Can't be a flat-earther. Has to wear trendy jeans. Gives me massages on the regular without me needing to express that I like them.
Replace your wish list with a question list
Is their worldview the same as yours? Are they a growing believer? Is the Bible an authority in their life, or just a good book with good ideas? Do they attend church even when you're not there? Do they have mature believers speaking into their life?
How are they with money? How much debt do they have? I know she has good style, but is she up to her eyeballs in debt to look that good? Does he have a job? Is he always quitting because he's been "unfairly treated"?
What are their sin struggles? Anger, lust, pride, selfishness? We all struggle. Do you know theirs, and are you OK walking that out with them?
Are they selfless? Or do they always need to be right and get their way?
How's their emotional maturity? Do they throw fits and storm off? How do they handle disappointment and conflict?
Are they honest? Do they hide things? Do they have a secret social media account where they keep their ex on the back burner in case things don't work out with you?
How is their purity? Are they addicted to pornography?
What's their family like? How's their relationship with their parents and siblings? Do they want kids? Would you trust them to raise yours?
That first question matters most. "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers" (2 Corinthians 6:14 ESV). If you don't share a faith, you don't share a foundation.
Feelings fade. Character lasts.
Ruth 2; 2 Corinthians 6:14; Proverbs 4:23